Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
