I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
