don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
