I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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