i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
