This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
