a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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