Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
