i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
