if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
