I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
