idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
