They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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