I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
