I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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