In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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