i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
