She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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