Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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