So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its not stalking. its research.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
