I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
