Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize