I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
