i may or may not be watching the land before time
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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