Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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