The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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