do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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