On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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