just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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