Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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