Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
