Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
