she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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