I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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