Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
