chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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