I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
