So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
