I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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