You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
