the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
