I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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