remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
