I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
