Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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