do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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