Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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