i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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