If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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