After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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