ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
