Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
