When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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