he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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