Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
