I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
