I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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