What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
