I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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