i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
