i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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