I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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