The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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