nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
