why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
