now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
